


Drowning

by threeofswords



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-03-30 03:45:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19034122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threeofswords/pseuds/threeofswords
Summary: "It feels like I'm being held under water and I can't escape. Like something is pushing me down further and further and my lungs are aching and  I need to breathe but I can't and I'm drowning. And there's no way out."





	1. March 24, 2005

A good day. This will be a good day.  
  
Ryan thought that maybe if he said this over and over in his head enough times, he might actually start to believe it. Nevertheless, he dragged himself out of bed and got ready for work.  
  
The drive was silent - he'd never liked the radio. He pulled into the parking lot of the office building and parked in one of the few remaining spaces. He took a deep breath; 'Come on Ryan. Make it a good day'.  
  
As soon as he stepped through the door of the Dunder Mifflin office, he relaxed a little. The receptionist smiled towards him; she was cute and her smile seemed kind. Ryan let himself calm down a little more and approached the desk where the receptionist was sitting.  
  
"Hi, I'm Ryan Howard. From the temp agency," he smiled briefly.  
  
"Hi Ryan, I'm Pam. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. Michael should be ready to show you around ang second now."  
  
As if one cue, a man with slicked back hair walked out of the office behind Ryan. "Hey," the man, presumably Michael, said.  
  
"Hey." Ryan moved towards him confidently and shook his hand. 'Make a good first impression', he thought. "Ryan. Ryan uh Howard from the temp agency."  
  
After he said this, Michael began to ramble on about being a comedian or something. Ryan had stopped paying attention to him and was instead focused on one of the salesmen who had turned around to look at them. He was cute with fluffy, brown hair that reminded Ryan of a puppy. He almost didn't realise he was staring until he was pulled back to reality by Michael doing an awful impression of Hitler.  
  
A little later, Michael went round and introduced Ryan to everyone in the office starting with the salesmen and Ryan thought maybe he wouldn't find it so bad working here.  
  
A good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, 
> 
> It's 3am and idk what I'm doing but I like this pairing so I'm gonna try to keep it going I guess


	2. April 26, 2005

Ryan had been working at Dunder Mifflin for around a month now and he had spent most of that time staring across the office at Jim. Unfortunately for Ryan, this was enough time to figure out that Jim was not only definitely straight but also that he was completely in love with Pam. The way Jim looked at her, not dissimilar to the way Ryan looked at Jim, was with complete adoration. It didn't take a genius to see what he was thinking behind those soft, longing eyes.  
  
When Ryan got up this morning, he expected a normal day: stare at Jim who was staring at Pam, wish that Jim was staring at him instead, remember that Jim technically couldn't be with Pam anyway so it isn't all bad, do some work, go home. That's how it had been almost every day so far. Why should today be any different?  
  
But it was. When Ryan got into work, the first thing he noticed was someone new standing by Pam's desk, someone he'd never seen before. She was pretty with bright red hair and a low cut top, and Ryan could already tell that he didn't like her.  
  
The day dragged on - almost normal but also not - and by the end, Ryan was certain that he didn't like Katy. It was about 5:25 pm and he was sat in his car watching Jim as he laughed with Katy about something Ryan didn't care about and drove away with her to some bar in town.  
  
Ryan stayed in the parking lot for at least 15 more minutes before finally leaving and silently driving back to his apartment on the other side of town.  
  
Once he got in, Ryan went straight over to the small refrigerator in one corner of the room and pulled out a bottle of something alcoholic; he didn't know what and nor did he care. He let himself fall onto the bed, not even bothering to take off his shoes, and drank himself to sleep.  
  
  
  



	3. October 11, 2005

"Hey, obviously they don't teach you how to use a toaster oven in business school."  
  
"That's exactly what I said!"  
  
"Hey did you miss that day Ryan? Toaster oven 101?"  
  
"I-I am so sorry," Ryan managed, barely able to move. He glanced over at Jim who was standing awkwardly with his hands in his pockets and his eyes towards the ground. Ryan couldn't even begin to imagine what he must think of him. He couldn't believe it was his fault. All he could do was stand there while Michael and Dwight laughed at him.   
  
It only got worse when Dwight started singing that stupid song and the others joined in - even Phyllis started to dance a little. This was the opposite of what he wanted; he didn't want to have a thing. He didn't really want any connection to these people besides being their coworker.  
  
He looked back to Jim, the one exception to this rule, and let go of the breath he was holding when he noticed that Jim wasn't joining in like everyone else. It was a small consolation.  
  
Sadly, it didn't last long as shortly after, Katy pulled into the parking lot and Ryan was reminded of Jim's unattainability. He watched as Jim walked over to talk to her and the way she played with his tie gave Ryan this awful feeling that started in his chest and slowly spread throughout the rest of his body. The longer he watched, the worse it got and yet he wasn't able to look away. He probably would have kept staring at them until they left had Dwight not clapped a hand against his neck and started asking him "was it worth it?".   
  
Was it worth it? Was it worth pining after Jim for months and months only to get the least desirable yet inevitable outcome? Was it worth subjecting himself to the internal pain he felt whenever he saw Jim with someone else? Was it worth the disappointment for which he couldn't blame anyone but himself?  
  
"No."


	4. November 22, 2005

The man in the mirror was not the same as the man who looked in from the other side. The image of the man looked, at the very least, content - one might even go as far as to say he seemed happy. This, unfortunately, did not go for the real man. This man may have looked the same as his image but if you took away the mask he wore to hide his face, you would see that he is quite the opposite.

So as Ryan inspected his reflection, he made sure, not only that his clothes were presentable, but that his mask was crafted well enough that people could not see the true emotions concealed underneath.

It was over a month since he had started trying to get over Jim however in that time he had found little success. No matter how many times he reprimanded himself after he caught himself staring at Jim, no matter how many times he tried to notice other people, no matter how many one-night-stands he had, he wasn't able to allow himself to let go. It was as if some small delusional part of him still believed there was a chance.

He had decided to go to Jim's barbecue that night because he thought it would make a nice change to the various bars he had been circuiting in the past few weeks. He had hoped seeing Jim with Katy again would somehow make it clear in his mind that he should abandon all hope. He wanted to spend an evening with people other than the regular alcoholics in the bars.

"Hey, is Katy coming?" Ryan questioned, as the "group tour" headed up the stairs in Jim's house. He wasn't sure why he'd asked but it was too late to take it back now.

"Uh, actually I haven't talked to her in a while." Upon hearing Jim's response, Ryan's heart skipped a beat. He then realised that he shouldn't sound suspicious and said the worst thing he possibly could have:

"Huh? Oh, is it cool if I call her?"

"We'll talk about that later."

It was a brief exchange that meant absolutely nothing but it was all that was needed to fully reignite Ryan's feelings for Jim.


	5. January 5, 2006

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Compose yourself, this means nothing. Nothing will change. In. Out. You had too much to drink, you aren't thinking about this properly. In. Out. Come on, in. Out.

As Ryan sat in his car in the parking lot of Lake Wallenpaupack, he found himself unable to suppress the smile that spread across his face. He knew it was wrong to be so happy as a result of someone else's misfortune but he just couldn't help feeling like things were finally starting to go right for him.

Jim and Katy broke up and Pam got engaged. Even though he knew Jim was straight, Ryan still felt like this was a step forward.

His mind clouded from all the alcohol he'd consumed on the ship, Ryan zoned out thinking about Jim and their highly improbable future together. He would've passed out eventually had it not been for a knock on his window.

Ryan jolted up and looked out to see who was there. A tall, slim man with brown hair and gorgeous eyes was smiling in at him. Ryan rolled down the window as quickly as he was able.

"Hey, " Jim's voice was soft and kind, "I just wanted to know if you were planning on driving home tonight because I saw you at that bar, man and I just wanted to make sure you're okay, I guess."

"Uh yeah, thanks I'm great, " Ryan had to try his hardest to make sure he didn't slur his words, "I was planning on sleeping in my car tonight. Just get up and drive straight to work in the morning, y' know."

"Oh okay. Yeah, that's cool. It's just I… I drove here with Katy with the intent of driving her home after, so I haven't been drinking. But she got a cab for...obvious reasons and I saw you sitting in your car and I thought I may as well ask if you want a ride home?"

Ryan's heart skipped a beat. Jim was thinking about him? He wanted to make sure he was okay? He wanted to drive him home? "Uh yeah, s-sure. Sounds great."

"Awesome. And if you want, I can pick you up tomorrow morning and we can come get your car. Or would it be better if I just took you back to my place? Save a trip?"

Ryan, who had gotten out if the car and was now leaning on the door to prevent himself from falling over, barely managed to squeak out a response to Jim's question: "Whichever you think's best."

"Back to mine then," Jim smiled. He put Ryan's arm around his shoulder and together they stumbled over to Jim's car.

Jim started the engine and the radio began to play some quiet, soothing song from the 80s. Usually, Ryan would ask whoever he was with to turn the music off straight away, he'd always preferred silence, but right now, he was too drunk and too happy to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I actually just finished watching the Office for the first time and omg there's already a hole in my soul. 
> 
> Guess I'd better rewatch


	6. January 26, 2006

Ryan hadn’t spoken to Jim all that much since the morning he’d woken up in the other’s bed. He’d gone down the stairs of the house he’d been to only once before and found Jim in the kitchen with a glass of water and a packet of aspirin on the table. 

They drove to the dock - Jim was clearly a fan of 80s music as the smooth, relaxing tones from the radio once again filled the car as they had done the previous night - and, after a brief but sincere thank you, they parted ways.

That was three weeks ago and Ryan had been longing to speak to Jim ever since. Although he couldn't remember much of what happened after they'd left the docks that evening, he knew that that was the first night in a long time that he'd felt truly happy. Jim made him happy and, in a way, that made him sadder because he knew deep down that they would never be together. What he needed now was a distraction.

Since Jim had been moved to the Annex while the warehouse guys changed Michael's carpet, he had time to think about other things instead. Like how he really should start trying to see other people - even if it was just a casual thing to take his mind off the pain. So when Jim caught him in the kitchen to ask what he thought of Kelly, he saw it as the perfect opportunity and, despite how much it hurt to hear those words from the mouth of the man he loved, he agreed.

This'll be a good thing. Just hanging out, nothing serious. He just had to convince himself that this was the best thing for him, no matter how much his heart ached for something else.

Later that night as Ryan lay on his bed in the dark, he replayed the conversation in the kitchen over and over again in his head. Every thought, every feeling, every emotion that passed through his mind. And suddenly it hit him, while he'd been listening to Jim trying to set him up with Kelly he'd accidentally confirmed something that he had never allowed himself to properly admit before: he was in love with Jim. Completely and totally and utterly in love. This was more than he'd ever felt for anyone in his entire life and he never been more sure about anything. 

"I'm in love with Jim." His words came out breathless and laced with fear and happiness and pain and relief. It was as if a weight had been lifted off his chest and he was finally able to breathe properly.

Only moments later it all came crashing back down when he realised how much harder this would make it for him to move on


	7. May 11, 2006

They were sat at a small round table in the warehouse and both had had a few drinks. The sounds of the makeshift casino filled the large room, cards being dealt and chips clicking against each other, victorious cheers and disappointed groans; the whole space felt completely different from its usual grey, boring self. It made it seem like the whole warehouse had been pulled into a different plane of existence. 'Surreal', Ryan thought, 'would be a good word to describe this strange atmosphere'.

Ryan's feeling of disconnect from reality was only added to by the fact that Jim, a man he had had few interactions within the past several months, had spent a good portion of the night sitting with him and talking like real friends.

He'd started the evening on one of the card games but he'd never really been able to do well at that sort of thing. Ryan was far more comfortable sitting at a table in close proximity to the bar. After about half an hour, Jim came over to him, two beers in hand as if he already knew that Ryan would be happy for them to sit together, and asked if the stool opposite him was taken.

By about 11:30 pm, they had only parted a couple of times to play a few of the casino games or revisit the bar. Ryan could safely say that by this point he was drunk. Jim, however, was still a glass or two off his limit when he stood up from their table for the first time in an hour.

"This has been a really cool night, Ryan. Thanks," Jim smiled warmly yet there seemed to be a certain sadness in his eyes that Ryan couldn't quite process with his inhibited brain function.

Ryan raised his glass that had a mere mouthful left in it, "Here's to many more." A lopsided smile spread across his face and he noticed Jim's mask briefly crack and let some of that sadness leak through. He turned to leave but paused as if there was something else he wanted to say.

He looked over his shoulder, "Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

Jim held his hand awkwardly on the back of his neck. "Do you-," he bit his lip and seemed to reconsider his words, "Are you gonna be alright to get home?"

"Yeah, I'll just call a cab or something."

"Cool, cool." He sighed deeply, "Well uh, bye, Ryan."

"Bye, Jim."

That was the last time Ryan saw Jim before he left for Connecticut the following night.


	8. September 21, 2006

The shrill buzzing of his alarm was the last thing Ryan needed. He lifted a tired hand from beneath his sheets and slammed it down onto the clock shutting up its seemingly incessant screeching. Using a huge amount of energy, he hauled himself out of bed and stumbled over to the kitchen area in his tiny apartment. He pulled a glass from the washing-up pile and filled it with water before reaching for the first in a small row of orange bottles.

Ryan's head was pounding for the whole of his drive to work. He considered stopping at a pharmacy to pick up some aspirin but eventually decided against it; even though this one felt particularly bad, he'd stopped treating his hangovers months ago - around the same time Jim had left.

Ryan smiled briefly at Pam as he hung his jacket on the coat rack. He took a seat at Jim's desk and started his work on Jim's computer. He couldn't help thinking that that's what it was. He was in Jim's place working Jim's job. He didn't feel like he deserved it; it was as if he was just filling in for Jim temporarily before he came back and took up his old seat again. It'd been four and a half months and still that feeling hadn't left him for a second.

The office had worked surprisingly well for quite a long while. There had been very few incidents in which someone was hurt or offended or something generally insane happened. It was like today was due to happen - the building itself couldn't allow this long of a peaceful period - and that's why today had to be the day that Michael outed Oscar.

Ryan hated every second of that day. All the time that Michael spent harassing Oscar was almost too painful to watch. Ryan knew he should feel bad for the guy but really the overwhelming feeling was relief. As he was forced to observe the "events" that transpired in the conference room that day, Ryan couldn't help thinking 'thank God that's not me'. He couldn't bear to imagine Michael forcing himself onto him like he did with Oscar - the very image made him shudder.

After it was finally over and the commotion had somewhat settled down, Ryan watched Oscar head to the kitchen and, not really knowing why, followed him in.

"Hey, Oscar-" Ryan began in a low voice but was quickly cut off.

"If you're about to say anything about what just happened I'm begging you not to. I don't think I could handle reliving that."

Ryan laughed nervously. He didn't really know what he wanted to say but he had started now and there was no going back. "Hey er, Oscar? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"How did you...know?"

"Know what?"

"Know that you're...you know?"

"Gay?" Ryan nodded quickly, "I-I don't know. It's always kind of been a part of me, I guess."

"Yeah… I get that. Do you know um… if there are any ways to stop being gay?" As soon as the words left his lips, Ryan knew that he had said the wrong thing.

"What the hell, Ryan?! What are you trying to say? Huh?"

"No, no, no! I-I didn't mean- What I said was-, " he could feel himself starting to panic and took a slow, deep breath in a small attempt to relax. "I didn't mean for you. I… I meant-"

"For you?" As soon as Oscar realised what Ryan was saying, his face fell and the tension left his muscles. Ryan nodded ashamedly and bit his lip. "You're gay, Ryan?"

"I guess, yeah."

"But you want to change that? You should be proud of who you are. Don't try to alter yourself so you fit better into society. Being gay isn't a bad thing and should never feel ashamed of it."

Ryan swallowed hard and, after a few seconds, he nodded timidly. "Thanks, Oscar." He smiled weakly and headed back to his desk.

Ryan had never necessarily felt ashamed of his sexuality. He rarely ever felt like it would be better if he was straight - that was until he fell so deeply in love with someone that he felt there was literally no other option.

He could already anticipate the hangover he would inevitably feel tomorrow.


	9. October 21, 2006

Warm fingertips stroked gently across his cool skin. Hot lips pressed against his neck and, every now and then, a shallow, audible breath would escape him. 

The guy was tall and strong with big hands. He was handsome enough. They were both drunk. After this, they would never see each other again and the next night someone else would be in his place. That was how it had been for about a month now, with the occasional night with Kelly somewhere in between. It was a distraction. A way to take his mind off what he really wanted and what he knew he couldn't have. 

But as much as he tried, he couldn't stop himself from imagining that the lips kissing him belonged to someone else. To Jim. It was almost six months since the Casino Night and yet there wasn't a day that went by where Ryan didn't think about it. He thought about how, of everyone, Jim chose to spend his last night in Scranton with him. How they talked and laughed and drank, hardly ever leaving each other's sides. 

And so he closed his eyes and cast himself back to that night. He imagined it ending differently. Imagined what Jim's question could have been.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you.. Wanna come back to my place?"

"Yes."

And he imagined Jim. Holding him, touching him, kissing him, everything. All that he could feel in that moment - it was Jim. Not just some nameless guy he picked up at a bar but the man he loved more than anyone else in the world. He saw his deep, kind eyes. His soft, fluffy hair. His lazy, lopsided smile.

And Ryan smiled back. Tomorrow he would do it all again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, 
> 
> Just got back from The Dead
> 
> What have I missed?


End file.
